Teen Week 2012 – Words That Heal: You ARE Perfect #teenweek

March 27, 2012 § 6 Comments

I wanted to start off by saying something like “When I was a teenager, things were different. I was not bullied, or had body issues, and everyone was so very nice to me.” But I would have been wrong. Oh, so wrong. That’s why when my friend mentioned something about teen week on Twitter, I knew I had to link up with Mara from Medicinal Marzipan for Teen Week: Words That Heal.

I was a quirky kooky awkward teenager. And a really thin one, that wore double zero jeans. “Oh I wish my hips were like yours. I bet you have no trouble finding jeans that fit you.” is something I heard often. They were so wrong. If I didn’t find jeans in my size, I had to have them tailored. When people saw me eat in the cafeteria, they just assumed I would puke it out later. I was thin and I hated it. I loathed how thin I was. No matter how much I ate, I wouldn’t gain much. I hated it because I was constantly self-conscious people were staring at me to find yet another one of my flaws.

So you want to know where I started to eat my lunch? In the restroom. In the library, my home away from home. Outside by the art class I loved. Anywhere that people wouldn’t stare at me. I hated being stared at because I didn’t feel pretty. I felt ugly because of my “lack of curves”. Because I didn’t have a boyfriend when it seemed like the entire world did. You can’t let things that people say to you bring you down. You can’t let remarks like the ones that cut so very deeply, get to you. Because you’re stronger than that. Stop second guessing yourself, because guess what? You’re perfectly beautiful the way you are. Yes, even if you think you have the smallest boobs in your class. Yes, even if you have braces or a chipped tooth. Even with a few pimples. Even if your pants don’t fit you just so. Even with the scars you try to hide. Celebrate your body because every little part of you makes you YOU.

Body issues weren’t my only issues, unfortunately. I started to pull my hair. I had bald spots because I had Trichotillomania {a type of psychological condition that involves strong urges to pull hair} and didn’t know it yet. I was pulling from stress about everything going on with me. But not just for that reason. I also noticed that some of the hairs in my head weren’t perfect, just like I thought I wasn’t. The hairs that weren’t perceived beautiful and pretty and perfect by me? Were instantly pulled out. The little flaws I thought my hair had, were punished by being pulled out. This is something I still struggle with, even today. But I’m working on it, just like I’m working on loving myself more and more, because I am enough. I am perfectly beautiful just the way I am, I just wish someone had told me that when I was younger.

My advice? Smile at yourself in the mirror. Yes, even if you have to fake it at first. Because then? You’ll actually believe it. You’ll believe that you are perfect the way you are. Stop talking bad about yourself. Stop saying “I’m too fat. I hate my boobs. I don’t like my nose. I’m too ____.” Stop bullying yourself. Have the courage. You’re beautiful. Write notes to yourself and leave them in random places in your room, books, mirror. Own your quirkyness and kookyness. Listen to Pink’s Perfect, because she’s right, oh my god, so right. Or have Kurt and Blaine (from Glee) sing it to you. And play it over and over until it implants in your brain, if you don’t believe it just yet.

You’ll make it, I promise.


May 20, 2011 § 1 Comment

I read this post a few days aggo and it has not left my mind since I closed that window and went about my day.

I thought about it as I rushed to my phone as my phone yelled “lumos maxima!” alerting me that I had new email. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I am obsessed with social media, like people say I am. But when I caught myself nodding at things The Gypsy Mama wrote on her post, something inside my head clicked.

I do some of those things she mentions. Approve someone as a friend on facebook right away as I receive the notification, approve that comment on my blog, reply to someone’s tweet, reply to that email. For what? It’s not a race to see who’s quicker.

I’m challenging myself to unplug from the internet. From social media. To live my life. To read books to my daughter until she tires of it and not the other way around. Go outside and lay on the grass to look at clouds with her. Take a walk. It will be challenging. But I’m doing it for myself. For her. For my family. To be a present parent. To not rush to my phone when I hear a ping.

Sometimes, I’m like “let me just check my email before bed” or “let me check twitter real quick” or even “let me just write this post.” For what? Although tomorrow is not guaranteed, is it really that super important? Unless it is a matter of life or death, it isn’t that important.

Of course, I will probably not be completely and totally unplugged. There will just be less of plugging in and more living my life. Doing something new. Laughing with my daughter. Making cakes and eating them with my daughter. Listening to music and having more random dance parties with her. Trips to the botanical garden. Less checking my email. Less checking facebook. Less time on twitter. Less time caring about all the dumb things like internet drama and twitter fights.

Internet things will just have to wait. As for me? My daughter and I are going to eat some ice cream outside and look for bugs.


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#Trichotillomania Diaries #1

May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

My little “No Pull Jar” is at $10. It would’ve been at $15 or $20 depending on how good I was doing this week but? I. Pulled. Every. Day. This week has een exemptionally hard. Financially and emotionally. It pretty much blows and I can’t find a positive thing about it.. Except that I’m alive. And so is my family.

I need a protective enchantment on my hair. Can I cast salvia hexia on my hair to protect my hair from my hands? I only wish.

Also? I’m watching Deathly Hallows for the {millionth} time and I still cry, cry, and cry. I really want Hermione’s purple sain pouch. With thhe extendor charm because obviously.


I Choose Happiness

March 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

You know those people that radiate happiness from their eyes and that 99% of the time have a genuine smile on their face? I strive to be that person every day. I work hard at it. I fight against negativity trying to get the best of me. I take a deep breath, count to three, and listen to music that makes my soul jump up with joy, music that makes me smile, like Ingrid Michaelson, Landon Pigg, Jason Mraz, Belanova, Colbie Caillat, and Julieta Venegas.

On my birthday, I wrote myself a letter. A letter that I actually wrote out in my real life journal as well. Because its important to me. Because yes, I sometimes need some reminders because I’m not perfect. Because I choose happiness over wallowing about my imperfections. And while it should be easy, it hasn’t for me.

I’m still in the process of truly loving myself {a wise friend said that is a lifelong process}. Of loving who I am. Of loving how I am. I still look at myself in the mirror and I still think my nose is a little crooked, and my hair a little too thin on some places, and my ears too pointy. And while my first reaction is to frown, I smile despite the imperfections I see. Inside and outside.

I still get jealous of the stupidest and silliest things and I’m not even going to touch that topic because being happy doesn’t mean having shit, you know. Even if that certain thing brings a bit of happiness for a short period of time, its not permanent. It’s about being happy with the things you do have. The important things, not material things. Like air in your lungs. And the other day? I caught myself about to judge someone and say something horribly mean and I stopped myself and took out that thought out of my head as soon as I realized what I was doing. I never said I was perfect.

And even though we’re broke half of the time? I’m happier. I’m happier because I chose to be happy every morning I get out of bed instead of wallowing in self-pity and doubt. Not only because my daughter deserves an honest to goodness happy mom, but because I deserve to be happy. I’m happy because I really have everything I need. I have a beautiful healthy daughter, a husband who loves me, friends who care about me, running water, food in my fridge, and a roof over my head.

I’ve been reading positive living blogs lately {have any you want to share?} and I want that. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to add that little skip to my step again. I want my daughter to remember me being happy instead of loathing myself and my body and being negative. So I’m learning how to let go of things. One step at a time.

I Choose Happiness. Today, Tomorrow, and every day after that.

Birthdays, tea parties and victory!

March 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

Slightly less than two months away from my daughter’s fourth birthday. Yes, FOURTH! Since our former plans didn’t happen I decided to {stay positive} have a nice tea party themed birthday for her. Maybe invite little girls her age.. or around that age so they can sit and have macaroons and cute cupcakes and such.

Anywho… did you know how effin complicated macaroons are? I mean all that work and they disappear in a few seconds! I really should make them but I’m so tempted to just call up a bakery and order a few dozen. I, of course, will be making her cake, since I am FINALLY confident enough to do so. Or you know, I might finally be brave enough to attempt a topsy turvy cake. One thing is for sure though.. I will not be shelling out $100 on a cake when I can make her one myself. I think I want to make chocolate frogs as little favors? I’m not entirely sure though. I also want to try my hand at petit fours? These look adorable and perfect. And maybe scones and other sweets? It will probably take me about a week to complete everything because I would not want to bake anything the day of if I want to stay calm and collected.

What else should a tea party have? Other than tea and sweets?

In other news? The Princess has been accident free for almost two weeks now. And? She loves her sparkly hello kitty underwear because “omigawd mommy! they are my bestest favorite kind!” so yay! sparkles and hello kitty and yay on saving money because that means no more pull-ups!

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I’m running away.

February 22, 2011 Comments Off on I’m running away.

Parenting is kicking my ass.

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